


Not As It Seems

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, BB-8 - Freeform, D-O - Freeform, Depression, Droids, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, M/M, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Whump, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22357438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: After the final battle with Palpatine, the Resistance is celebrating with a party and fireworks. However, the sound of the fireworks reminds Poe of being in the X-Wing and he’s immediately transported back to the space battle and all he can hear are screams. It’s time for Poe Dameron to finally admit he’s not as fine as he seems.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Comments: 3
Kudos: 120





	1. Fireworks

**Author's Note:**

> This story mentions anxiety, depression, PTSD, mentions of suicide, and other adult themes. This shows the first cracks that something is wrong with Poe. This topic is really close to my heart. Like the rest of the stories in this series, if you struggle with any of those above, this may not be the story for you. I wanted to take an honest look at the above topics and those that go through them may feel.

Poe stood shoulder to shoulder with Finn as the rest of their small Resistance base flourished around them. Laughter filled the air as well as excitement. Poe couldn’t blame them. They had finally won! The Resistance had been victorious and it had been a long time coming in his opinion. The First Order was extinguished and they could finally relax. However, that wasn’t how the new General, Poe Dameron, felt.

Finn glanced over to Poe almost nervously. The pilot was working his hands together as he picked at the cuticle on one of his nails. “You alright,” Finn fretted.

Poe instantly looked up. He plastered his usual charming smile on his face as he nodded enthusiastically. “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be? We won!” Even as he said the words, Poe didn’t full heartedly believe it. They had won, but his thoughts were still racing.

They had lost so many Resistance fighters; good men and women who had died for the cause. Amongst those deaths was also General Leia Organa. That meant that Poe would be the next General. It still felt strange for Poe to think about. He tried not to dwell on it too much even though he was aware that he now had an entire Resistance that he had to lead. He was more used to hopping into his X-Wing and blowing things up than thinking things out logically while in a map room. He supposed he would get used to it. It would just take time.

Finn grasped his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You can always talk to me about anything. You know that, right,” he questioned.

Poe chuckled in amusement as he squeezed Finn’s hand back. “I know that, but I’m fine! I promise.” He kept his tone light and Finn reluctantly dropped it.

There was suddenly a squeal of excitement as one of the Resistance pilots, a younger women who went by the nickname of Fox, came to sit on one of the crates adjacent to Poe and Finn. A young man who looked almost awestruck followed to sit beside her. “They’re starting,” Fox gasped. 

Finn raised an eyebrow as he over to Poe, still brushing his finger against one of Poe’s knuckles. “What’s starting?”

Before Poe could even guess what it might be, he saw a flicker of something bright shoot into the sky. There was a brief pause before it exploded in the air with another flash of sparkling color. As soon as he heard the thunderous boom, he flinched.

“Cool, fireworks,” Finn exclaimed, unaware of Poe’s rapidly changing stature beside him. 

While Finn leaned back to watch them, Poe felt his entire demeanor change. A wave of nausea crashed over him like an ocean wave. His hands were beginning to sweat as another firework shot into the air followed by three more. Cheers and excited laughter sounded around him as more Resistance members clustered around to watch the incredible display.

The base may have seen fireworks, but that wasn’t what Poe saw. He could feel himself in his X-Wing as he struggled to regain control with the sound of blaster fire around him. Screams echoed in his helmet from members of his squadron as they were shot down. Poe could hear his own scream as the blood roared in his ears. His heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest. He had never felt such terror before and the dark cloud threatened to overwhelm him.

“Look at that,” breathed Finn in awe, bringing Poe back from his flashback. 

Poe struggled to look up as he saw the entire sky seem to erupt with the light display given off by the fireworks. The sound as well as the flash brought him back again to when he was strapped to an examination table with Kylo Ren standing over him. Once of the most feared men in the First Order lifted a gloved hand. Poe struggled to keep his cocky demeanor as blood oozed from his forehead and one of his lips was swollen. He managed to still scowl until he felt Kylo rest one hand over his face. A blinding pain like one he had never experienced surged through him and caused tears to be squeezed from his eyes. A scream left his throat before he could stop it.

A hand rested on Poe’s shoulder and Poe immediately thought that it was Ren. He whipped around and tried to rush to his feet. However, his ankle hit the edge of the crate that he was sitting on and he fell backwards. He landed unceremoniously on his haunches. Another firework went off at the same moment and caused Poe to almost draw into a fetal position. 

“Poe? Poe,” Finn gasped as he kneeled down in front of the Resistance pilot. He stretched out his hand and rested it on Poe’s shoulder.

Poe snapped away from Finn as yet another firework exploded in the air. “Get away from me,” he snarled with a rage filled and panic stricken expression on his face.

Finn was so startled that he drew back. His hands lifted as Fox and the other young pilot looked to him in shock. “Okay, okay. I’m backing up now.” Finn had never heard Poe speak like this before. Poe had always enjoyed any physical touch that Finn would give him. Now to have Poe be so adamant against it was beyond frightening to Finn. He could see the haunted look in Poe’s eyes and he knew that something serious was going on from deep within Poe. 

Finn gulped as his tongue slightly wet his lips. “Poe?”

Poe looked up just as yet another traumatic explosion from the fireworks sounded above him. He gasped as he sat up and brought his hands up over his ears while giving two harsh rocks back and forth. Finn was dumbfounded as to what was happening. He did know one thing.

Poe had to get out of there now!

Finn looked up when he heard Fox whispering to the man beside her that Finn recognized as one of the mechanics that everyone called Spring. He shot them both a glare and it didn’t take long before Fox took Spring’s hand and they left Finn and Poe alone.

“Come on, Poe. Let’s go somewhere a little quieter,” suggested Finn as he reached out to help Poe up.

Poe’s eyes immediately hardened in an attempt to be as strong as possible. “I don’t need your kriffing help,” snarled Poe as he rushed to his feet after partially brushing himself off.

He stalked away as more fireworks were released into the air. This time they were accompanied by excited shouts from other Resistance members. Suddenly, everyone was too close to Poe as they gave him plastered on smiles and endless energy. Poe staggered forward as if the entire world was in slow motion around him. He could hear his breathing in his ears while raw panic rose inside of him like bile in his throat.

Poe hadn’t made it far when the fireworks started to pick up and more than one was being shot up at once. It seemed to coat the entire sky. The only sound that Poe thought he could hear was that of X-Wings blowing up around him and screams from fallen pilots. An overwhelmed feeling washed over him and Poe knew that there was nothing that he could do about it.

He suddenly staggered against one of the barracks with his hands now plastered over his ears. His breathing became labored as sweat collected on his forehead. He gasped when he pushed on the building and it didn’t move. A sob seemed to well from him as he began to slide down on the side of the building until he was sitting on the forest floor with his knees brought up to his chest. His eyes were squeezed shut and his hands were still over his ears, but he could still hear everything around him.

“Poe! Poe!” 

The new General of the Resistance was faintly aware of someone calling his name. He couldn’t answer because of the crippling fear that had it’s hold on him. He could barely register what was happening and all that he could do was press the back of his head as firmly against the bunker as possible.

With a fleeting gasp, Finn kneeled in front of him, kicking up some dirt and sand. He was breathing heavy as if he had ran after Poe. “Thank the force! I was wondering where you got off to.”

Poe didn’t answer. The shame and avoidance that he was feeling was too strong. All he could do was clench his jaw to keep from crying. He couldn’t have Finn or anyone else see him so weak.

“Poe, what’s going on,” questioned Finn when Poe didn’t speak right away.

Poe shook his head as his fingers curled around his hair. He started to pull to feel something, anything. Finn noticed and wondered if he should try and force Poe to stop. Then again, he wondered if that would just make it worse.

“Poe, talk to me,” requested Finn as gently as possible. “Please.”

Poe gritted his teeth. So many things that he wanted to say to Finn seemed to fall on his tongue and yet he couldn’t force them out. “I need this to stop,” he managed to choke out as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

Finn longed to cluster closer since he couldn’t hear Poe. However, he had enough to sense to stay where he was. “You need what to stop?”

A lost look, one of complete defeat and abandon showed on Poe’s face. His eyes were purely haunted and full of terror. “I need my life to stop.”


	2. Taking Down

“What,” echoed Finn in shock. He had never Poe say something so dark and hopeless before. There had been downs, sure, but never had Poe behaved like this.

Poe gripped his fingers stronger against his hair. “I need this all to stop.”

Finn looked around desperately. Surely there was someone who knew more about this than he did. However, he realized that he couldn’t bring anyone else into this. It wouldn’t be fair to Poe. He seemed to have a hard enough time with just Finn sitting there. There was no telling how he would react to anyone else in his personal space.

Finn shifted to be a little more comfortable, but he didn’t draw any closer to him. “Okay. Is it the noise? Are the fireworks bothering you?”

Just the mention of them seemed to send a tremor through Poe. Yet again, another few fireworks were shot into the sky and Poe let out an almost high pitched cry when he heard them explode in the air. He leaned forward with his hands pressed even harder against his head. 

Finn knew that whatever was going on was connected to the fireworks, at least a little. He also knew that he needed to get Poe somewhere where there wasn’t so much noise. Finn also didn’t want the Resistance to see their General like this. They had so much respect for Poe and he knew that if they saw him like this, it may shift their view of him. Poe wouldn’t want that.

“Maybe we should try getting somewhere quieter,” Finn suggested as he loomed in front of Poe. He didn’t need him looking around to see who was watching. “Like our room, perhaps?”

Poe looked down as he seemed to debate what Finn was saying. Finn was about to reach out for Poe when he clearly thought better of it after remembering what had happened last time. Just when he was about to speak, Poe started almost rocking back and forth. His hands had pulled away from his ears and now were rested firmly on the top of his head as he almost pulled at his curly hair. Any hope that Finn had of getting through to Poe seemed to be fleeting.

“We need to get somewhere else,” Finn decided after a moment. He tapped his foot impatiently as he lowered closer so that his head was by Poe’s ear. “Poe, can I sit beside you?”

Poe didn’t answer, but he didn’t argue it either. Finn decided this was a risk he had to take. He bunched his shoulders a bit as he slid next to Poe. They were close, but not close enough that they were touching. Finn didn’t want Poe to feel pressured to do anything that he didn’t want to. Ordinarily, Poe would want to hold Finn’s hand or just be cuddled against him. It took everything Finn had not to wrap his arms around Poe in a massive hug. That would only serve to make the situation much worse, Finn was sure of it.

Finn glanced up at the sky as he mentally prepared for another rush of fireworks and the excited noises that would accompany it. He never thought that something so beautiful and harmless would ever cause him so much harm. It also wasn’t effecting anyone else like this that Finn knew of. If anything, everyone was relaxing around them while Poe looked like he wanted to retreat into a hole.

Then there was what he had said. 

I need this all to stop. 

Finn could still hear those painful words coming from Poe’s strained throat. He had never heard Poe sound so lost. This was beyond some anxieties or an overwhelmed feeling. This was something that shook Poe to his very core and made him question everything. Finn wanted, needed, to make it better for Poe. He had no idea how and especially didn’t feel that he could do so without sharing anything physical with Poe.

As another bout of fireworks shot off into the air, they were accompanied by an almost screeching sound as they flew into the air. That caused Poe to almost pull out his hair from his head fiercely . His teeth gritted as he let out a whimper that pulled on Finn’s heart.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” Finn started as he lifted his hands ever so slowly. He rested his hands on Poe’s for a moment before pulling them from Poe’s head. He took them surely in his own slightly larger hands and gingerly thumbed at all of the cuts and callouses that Poe had. “I’m right here. It’s alright. I know that this is hard, but I don’t want you hurting yourself.” 

Poe wrinkled his nose in disgust. “I deserve the pain,” he spat out like venom in his mouth.

Finn’s eyes widened in alarm. “You don’t deserve pain! Why would you think that you would,” he asked. It took a great effort for his voice not rise. Poe needed him to be calm and Finn scolding him for this was not the way for him to show he was calm.

“People are dead because of me,” Poe croaked in exhaustion. “It’s my fault.”

Finn, who was still holding Poe’s hands, gave them a slight squeeze until Poe looked to him. Those defeated eyes nearly broke Finn’s heart once again. “It is not your fault. People follow you because they believed in the Resistance. They knew what they were signing up for. You didn’t force anyone to do anything.”

“Kylo got into my head. I should’ve been able to stop him. If I wouldn’t have been so weak then they wouldn’t have been in danger,” Poe murmured as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Finn opened his mouth to argue when the fireworks were set off yet again. Poe tried to pull his hands from Finn’s hands, but Finn only tightened his grip. Poe let out an anguished cry as he threw his head back. It collided with the bunker with a sickening crack that Finn could only imagine how much it really hurt him.

“Poe-“ Finn began. 

As more of the dreaded explosions filed the night sky, Poe felt a rise of strength as adrenaline pulsed through him. Poe ripped his hands free from Finn while Finn looked beyond surprised. Poe was strong, but he had no idea that Poe ever possessed that amount of strength.

Finn reached out to rest his hand on Poe’s shoulder. He forgot about how Poe had reacted before and he didn’t have time to draw back as Poe swung around with a closed fist. He socked Finn on the jaw and Finn drew back more in surprise than pain. He fell back almost onto his back as he looked up to Poe. 

Finn didn’t even recognize the look of savage anger in Poe’s eyes. He had darted to his feet and his fist was clenched as it shook at his side as if debating whether he wanted to strike Finn again. Finn flinched as he tried not to look away from Poe. He didn’t want to risk scaring Poe into doing something that he wouldn’t normally do.

As another firework exploded into the air, Poe brought up a hand to his forehead. He looked to Finn as if realizing what he had done. “I’ve gotta go,” he mumbled as he walked past Finn briskly.

Finn wasn’t even sure what to do. He glanced around until he managed to meet the gaze of Maz. Finn had no idea how long she had been watching him or if she had seen what had happened between him and Poe. 

Before he could question it, Maz started to walk toward him. Finn gulped as she halted beside him and offered him a hand. Finn took it and sat up. Maz released his hand as she flicked her head to the side. “Walk with me, Finn. I fear we have much to discuss.”


	3. Not Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn seeks out Maz for advice. If anyone is the one to help him understand what is going on with Poe, it will be Maz.

Finn and Maz walked into the woods at the outskirts of the Resistance base. Fireworks were still being launched in the air, but they managed to find a more secluded area where it was harder to hear them. Finn appreciated it while still being fearful of what Maz was going to tell him.

“I know that you’re concerned for your friend,” Maz began as she glanced up at Finn. “Or is he more than that?” There was an almost twinkling look in her eye when she spoke.

Finn looked down bashfully as he kicked his toe against the grass in front of him. “More than friends,” he finally answered. “I’m not sure what the label technically is, but we are certainly more than friends.”

Maz smiled as if she already knew that. “I’m so glad to hear that! It takes a very special person to be able to put up with Poe Dameron. Some of the stories I’ve heard. Did you know that Poe-“

“I’d love to hear the stories, Maz, but right now I really need to hear something else. I need to know what’s going on with Poe,” Finn pleaded as he looked down to Maz desperately.

Maz sighed with her head bowed. She flicked her wrist toward a fallen tree. She made her way over and scrambled on to sit down before motioning for Finn to the same. Finn sat down beside her as he drummed his fingers together impatiently. 

“I have never met anyone as strong as Poe Dameron. Both of his parents were rebels and it shows. Not only is he an amazing pilot, but he’s always kind, stubborn, and determined. A Dameron if ever I knew one. We need more of them in the world,” Maz sighed.

Finn narrowed his eyes. “Maz-“

“I’m getting there. Hold on.” Maz shifted to a more comfortable position on the log. “Anyway, he is all of these things, but he is not immune to the disease of war.”

Finn struggled to follow with what Maz was saying. “Disease of war? I don’t understand.”

“When good men with good hearts fight in something so devastating it can change them. It can break their spirit and bruise their soul,” Maz explained.

Finn shook his head. He heard what Maz was saying and he didn’t believe it. “Poe is the strongest man that I know. His spirit isn’t broken.”

Maz hummed almost to herself before speaking again. “He is strong and that is part of it. He’s not weak. He’s a good man and he has been through a lot. He watched so many of his friends die around him, men that he was in command of. Not to mention whatever Kylo Ren did to him all those seasons ago. These are things you can’t just shake off. It has changed him.”

“So, you know what is wrong with Poe and why he reacted that way,” Finn asked hopefully.

Maz closed her eyes. When she opened them, she seemed that much wiser in Finn’s eyes. “I do. I have seen it before, like I said. Now, was he alright before the fireworks?”

Finn nodded. “He was fine. We were joking and laughing. Then the fireworks happened and everything changed. He covered his ears and ran away. He wouldn’t even let me touch him. That is not the Poe that I know!”

Maz stretched out a hand and gripped Finn’s. She gave it a reassuring squeeze before continuing. “The Poe you know is still in there. It’s just weighed down with so many other things.” She sighed once more. “He is suffering from a disease that many Resistance and First Order fighters have after terrifying missions. Any sound or movements can bring their mind back to the event that caused them pain. That is why Poe doesn’t like the fireworks.”

Finn looked down at his hand that was palm up. He turned it before biting the inside of his cheek. “I touched him and that was when he punched me,” he murmured, half to himself. “Do you think that he thought or felt that my hand belonged to Ren?”

Maz shrugged. “That is a very real possibility, Finn. The mind is a very fragile thing. Something seemingly so simple can break something so fragile.”

“Are you....” Finn trailed off as his voice cracked. He swallowed before continuing. “Are you saying that Poe is broken?”

Maz jumped to her feet suddenly. She gingerly slapped Finn’s cheek and Finn looked to her in shock. “You look at me.” Finn didn’t hesitate to meet her intense gaze, more out of fear than anything else. “Poe is not broken. His mind is not broken. He is struggling with a very real illness. What he is feeling is valid and happens to so many fighters, no matter how strong you are. What happened during the war is weighing heavily on him and making it hard for him to distinguish as to what happened before and what is happening now. You saw that with the fireworks and when you tried to touch him. He is a struggling man, but not a broken one.”

Finn took in everything that Maz said. He closed his eyes tightly and sighed. “What can I do for him, Maz? I can’t let him suffer like this. I saw what happened when those fireworks went off. I’ve never seen Poe so scared before. I just want to help him.”

“I know that you do. You’re a good man, Finn.” Maz sat back down as her whole body seemed to relax. “Poe is lucky to have you.”

Finn tapped his foot impatiently against the fallen tree. “Yeah, okay, but what do I do?”

Maz looked off into the distance. Her shoulders sagged when she tried to speak. “Be there for him. Comfort him when he needs it. Leave him alone when he needs it. Be an ear to listen to. Understand that what he is going through has nothing to do with you. He may push you around and emotionally shut down. However, don’t let that sway you in anyway. He may need you to just sit there when he’s having these terrors. Sleep will be difficult if it isn’t already.” Maz glanced back at Finn. “I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know, am I?”

Finn bowed his head. “No, Maz. I just don’t want to make things worse.”

“Sometimes things need to be worse before they can get better.” She stretched out her hand and tapped Finn’s leg. “Trust your instincts, Finn, and don’t give up on him. Poe is too precious for you to abandon.”

Finn suddenly stood rigid. A new determination washed over him. “I would never abandon him,” he announced proudly.

Maz chuckled. “I know that you wouldn’t. Now, go and see to him. I’m afraid that you’ve been gone from him too long.”

Finn jumped to his feet and turned to look at Maz. “Thanks, Maz!” With that he turned and bounded forward, ready to do all the he could to help Poe.


	4. Always Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn deals with Poe’s outbursts and does his best even when whatever Poe is going through him breaks his heart.

Finn made his way through the hallways, bypassing numerous droids and almost bumping into two pilots that were talking in the middle of the hallway. He darted over to Poe’s room, which was now one of the largest rooms in the Resistance since he as the General. It came with a lot more privacy and more perks. Finn hadn’t been too sure about it, but now he was thankful for it.

He halted at the room and let out a heavy breath. He didn’t want to spook Poe and he wasn’t entirely sure how to do that. He decided that a firm knock was the best way since Poe would know that it was Finn. He lifted a fist and tapped on the door.

Finn could hear movement from inside, but no one appeared. He was sure that Poe was hesitant to let him in and Finn couldn’t blame him. He lifted his hand and knocked on the door once again. “Poe? Poe, it’s me.”

He heard a rolling sound coming toward him. Something tapped into his leg and he spun around in surprise to realize that it was BB-8. The orange and white droid beeped fearfully as a green and white droid known as D-O trailed after him. BB-8 couldn’t go anywhere without D-O following. Finn thought it was cute, but he wasn’t sure if all of them should be thinking about seeing Poe.

“H-H-Hello,” D-O announced to Finn in his usual stutter. 

Finn waved him off dismissively. “BB-8, do you think that you can open the door, please,” Finn requested to the orange and white droid.

BB-8 swiveled his dome around with a few punctuating beeps. Finn closed his eyes in frustration. “I can’t understand that.”

D-O tilted his head as he turned back to Finn with his head lifted. “N-No. Poe alone.”

Finn clenched his fists tightly together. He kneeled down, but it was too close for D-O’s liking. He drew back desperately in terror. “N-N-No thank you,” D-O exclaimed.

Finn sighed as he glanced back to BB-8. BB-8 didn’t roll away, but he didn’t seem thrilled to have Finn speak to him. “I know that he wants to be alone, but that’s not good for him. He has a war sickness, BB-8. He needs help.”

BB-8 swiveled his dome to D-O. D-O just started to roll around in circles before BB-8 rolled back up to the door. He lifted his mechanical claw and opened the door albeit reluctantly. D-O clustered to his side while Finn straightened with a nod to BB-8 in appreciation.

“Poe,” questioned Finn as he cautiously stepped inside the pitch black room.

BB-8 and D-O slightly drew into the door frame behind Finn. Finn drew forward with his hand gingerly rubbing the wall. He found the light pad and switched it on. 

The room was bathed in golden light that illuminated Poe pacing around the room like a caged animal. His eyes were wild and unfocused as he muttered under his breath while his hands pulled at the sides of his hair and nails threatened to scrape at his cheeks.

“O-O-Oh-no,” D-O started.

Finn shot the small droid a glare as he started forward cautiously. Maz hadn’t told him what to do when Poe was like this. “Poe?”

“I won’t tell you,” Poe started threateningly.

BB-8 turned to look up at Finn. Finn tried to ignore the droids as he crept forward. “Alright. You don’t have to tell me anything.” Finn gulped heavily. “Where are you right now?”

Poe looked at him like he was crazy. “Don’t try and make me feel safe, Ren!”

He thinks I’m Kylo, Finn thought with a spark of fear traveling through him. He stretched out a hand as he continued forward. “I’m not Kylo. I’m Finn, remember? Your friend.” Best to just say friend and see where that would lead.

Poe blinked his eyes as a flash of recognition sparked through him. It was fleeting, but Finn knew that he could work with that. “Yes, me as your friend.” He slightly flinched as D-O and BB-8 rolled beside him. “Er, and some more friends. BB-8 and D-O are here too.”

Poe brightened when he saw his little droid rolling toward him. Finn was about to urge him back, but when he saw Poe’s hands fall from his hair, he couldn’t interrupt. 

Poe kneeled down and immediately started to rub his hands on the sides of BB-8 round body. BB-8 let out a few excited beeps as Poe rested his forehead on top of BB-8’s dome. Finn had hoped that Poe would snap out of it, but when he heard the body racking sobs coming from him, he knew that wasn’t the case.

“Poe,” murmured Finn as he crouched down beside him, one of his hands rested on his knee and the other on the floor. He wanted nothing more than to reach out for Poe, but he could hear Maz’s warning ringing in his ear.

Ask before you touch. It could cause more harm than good.

Poe continued to sob with his head pressed against BB-8’s dome. BB-8 let out a worried and dejected beep, but he would never tell Poe to get off. He cared to much for Poe. He seemed to be just as worried as Finn and in no position to be able to help.

Finn was relieved that D-O had hung back. The green and white droid had been through his fair share of turmoil and pain. Finn couldn’t blame him of being cautious of Poe and his erratic actions. He was timid on a good day. This probably brought back memories for him of what he had gone through. Finn just hoped he wouldn’t startle Poe anymore than Poe already was.

“What’s wrong with me,” Poe questioned as he lifted his head after a few more minutes of strangles cries. He sniffled as he looked to Finn. “Why is this happening.” His hands shook as they rested against BB-8’s body.

Finn set his jaw. “I’m afraid that I don’t have an answer for you.” He saw Poe look down and he quickly started to speak again. “But, I know that whatever is happening isn’t your fault. I just want to understand what’s going on as much as you.”

“I don’t know,” Poe rasped. “I just close my eyes and I can hear the screams, feel the agony, smell the burning in the air from those ships. I see so many fallen Resistance members, who looked to be for guidance. I was supposed to lead them and I couldn’t. I couldn’t. They’re all around me....”

Finn could tell from Poe’s tone that he was growing more and more distant in what he was saying as if he was on the verge of another flashback. Finn quickly took action as he drew forward and tried to interrupt him. “Okay, okay, let’s not talk about that right now, huh? Why don’t we do something else?”

BB-8 gave a beep of agreement. Poe sniffled as he lifted one hand from BB-8 and rubbed the back of his hands against his moist eyes. “Like what?”

Finn stretched out his hand with a small smile. “Why don’t we just talk about something else,” he suggested, hoping that Poe would grab his hand.

Poe paused for a moment before gripping Finn’s hand. Finn rose him to his feet and relished in the fact that he could touch Poe again without him freaking out. Finn could feel Poe trembling against him in a way that Finn had never seen before. He tried to keep the worry to himself, but it was a challenge.

Finn started to lead Poe over to one of the walls of the room. He helped him lower down and waited for Poe to tell or show him how much contact he was alright with. Poe shifted closer to Finn so that their shoulders touched. Poe pulled his hands from Finn and started to pick at his nails while glancing down.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours,” whispered Finn sweetly.

He had hoped that it would bring a smile to Poe’s face, but that wasn’t the case. “I don’t know.” He paused after a moment. “I-It’s just too overwhelming. There’s just too much.”

Finn could hear Poe’s voice starting to crumple once again brought the prickling of tears to Finn’s eyes. He couldn’t let Poe know that, though. He had to be strong for them both. “That’s okay. We’ll get through this together, just as we always have, and just as we always will.”


	5. Coming Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn struggles to do what he can to help Poe. Luckily, he has a little help from a little green and white droid that reminds Finn just a little of Poe.

Finn wasn’t sure how long they had been sitting until Poe finally seemed comfortable enough to lean against Finn. His head was rested on his shoulder as he let out a heavy sigh. Finn held his breath. He didn’t dare shift and cause Poe anymore discomfort. He tried to stay as still as possible and just be there for Poe. Speaking usually made things worse and Finn was just going to allow Poe to start any conversation that they had.

“I’m sorry,” Poe croaked after a moment. 

Shock pulsed through Finn when he heard what Poe had said. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault.” He turned and pressed a kiss to the top of Poe’s head.

Poe sniffled deeply. “But it is. I don’t know why I’m seeing all these things. The sounds just play with my mind. I don’t know why,” he rambled with an edge to his tone.

Finn didn’t want him to go down that road. He kissed Poe once more on the top of his head and let his lips linger there for a moment. “I told you that you don’t need to apologize for that. You can’t help it. You have a war sickness. You wouldn’t be angry at me if I was sick with something, so you can’t be angry at yourself for an illness,” Finn chided gently.

“I guess not,” Poe muttered under his breath. He didn’t seem to believe what Finn was trying to tell him. “But, it’s still frustrating. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore and I don’t know why I am feeling this way.”

“You can tell me as much as you want to. Don’t feel pressured to do so before you’re ready,” Finn told him softly. “Whatever happens we will get through it. This is just a little bump in road, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less. You stayed beside me through thick and thin and I will always do the same for you.”

Poe squeezed his eyes shut heavily. “You don’t deserve this,” he hissed.

Finn stiffened heavily. He had never heard Poe speak like this and he didn’t like it. “I deserve you and everything that comes with it. You are more than worthy, Poe. You’re strong and fearless. You are not weak, not at all. We will get through this.”

“You’ve said that already,” murmured Poe cheekily.

“And I will keep saying it until you believe it,” Finn flashed.

Poe smiled as D-O started to roll forward. Finn wanted to force the droid back to BB-8, but he knew how timid D-O was. It wasn’t his fault that he had no social skills. He was learning all that he could from BB-8 and Finn knew that he had a bit of a learning curve. 

“Pilot sad,” D-O announced. 

Poe laughed as he blinked his eyes before rubbing a finger against them. “Poe, D-O. My name is Poe.”

D-O rolled forward and backwards. “Pilot sad,” he repeated.

Poe laughed even more. That was the only reason Finn was letting this go. “Yeah,” Poe rasped in agreement. “The pilot is sad.” 

D-O rolled even closer to Poe. It was the closest he had ever gotten to Poe, which was encouraging, especially without BB-8 being right beside him. “W-W-Why,” D-O asked.

Finn didn’t enjoy that question. He opened his mouth to speak, but Poe beat him to it. “I’m sick, D-O. There’s something wrong with my brain because of things that happened before.” D-O was staring at him questioningly. “Some of my wires have been crossed.”

D-O’s head lowered. It then snapped back up in understanding. “Pilot hurt?”

“Something like that,” Poe agreed with a nod. 

“Pilot hurt.” D-O rolled in a tight circle before coming so close to Poe that he almost touched Poe’s feet. “Say n-no thank you!”

Poe lifted his hand tiredly. He drew it toward D-O and, surprisingly, the droid didn’t dart away. “I’m afraid that won’t work here, buddy.”

D-O seemed confused. He then rolled forward and stopped beside Poe. He leaned sideways and rested at Poe’s side. Poe didn’t even flinch when D-O touched him and D-O didn’t seem scared for once in his life. “Pilot friend,” D-O sighed happily.

They’ve both be through so much. Maybe that’s why they’re understanding each other, thought Finn in surprise and almost comfort. He heard BB-8 roll up to them and he stopped beside Finn and leaned against him. Finn couldn’t help but smile. He more than enjoyed being close to Poe and even the droids. 

“Comfortable,” rumbled Finn as he watched Poe lift his hand to almost play with the buttons on Finn’s shirt.

Poe nodded against Finn’s shoulder. “Now that I’m with you and I can’t hear anything from outside, yes,” Poe answered truthfully. 

“We’re just going to need to be more aware of some things in the future,” suggested Finn as he planted another kiss on Poe’s head. He could smell the sweet scent of Poe’s shampoo and the softness of his hair tickled Finn’s chin. He enjoyed being with Poe like this and didn’t want anything to shatter the fragile perfection that they had created for the moment.

Poe squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t want to bring the rest of the Resistance down because I can’t compartmentalize like everyone else.”

Finn’s eyes flashed in the light with a surge of anger rising in him. He hated to hear Poe speak like that, but he couldn’t address the situation with anger. That wouldn’t help anyone. “Then we can make adjustments. If we know that they want to celebrate, we can stay in here. We have quieter nights. We’ll learn what sets your mind off and we can work through it. Would you be willing to do that?”

A familiar and determined glint showed deep within Poe’s gaze. “I won’t let this defeat me.” He met Finn’s gaze. “I don’t want this to defeat us.”

Finn’s eyes widened in shock. He then brought his head forward so that he and Poe’s foreheads almost touched. “We are a team. We will always be a team. Nothing will stand in our way. This is just a trail, but one that we will overcome.”

Poe looked at ease for the first time in days. He shifted even closer to Finn so that his head was buried into the crook of his neck. Finn could feel Poe’s gentle breath against his neck and it warmed him. Poe’s tired muscles finally started to relax and that caused Finn to relax. It wasn’t long before Poe seemed to drift off into the first restful sleep in months with D-O still leaning against him.

“Pilot tired,” D-O told Finn in case he didn’t know.

Finn nodded slowly. “Yeah, he is, but that’s okay. We’re going to look after him. That’s what he would do for us and that’s what we will always do for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who read this story! It was so much fun to write and I hope that it touched some of you the way that it touched me. I tried to write Poe’s PTSD as realistic as possible and I hope it feels that way. It was such a great thing to write and I can’t wait to see what may be in store for Poe and Finn in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> If you or someone you know struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, of suicidal thoughts please reach out to someone that you trust. This world does well with beating people down like it did with Poe in the story. There are people out there that care and that want to help. You deserve love and respect! Don’t give up! Things do get better!


End file.
